I can not describe in words the feeling I am experiencing. One of wonder, awe, overwhelming love, joy, the list goes on and on. Truthfully. I also have a little bit of, oh, I just don't know what to call it. Is it caution? Is it anticipation? Is it fright? Is it ??? I don't know, what is it?
For month I have looked forward to meeting Carson. I sprinkled many "When Carson gets here" comments into my every day life. I have stated on many occasions, "I want to do this for Carson" or "I want to change this about myself because I want to be around to see Carson get married and have his first child." Many goals and changes I have recently made were based on the fact that I soon would be a grandmother and wanted to experience all I could with him in the best frame of mind and shape I could be in. All based on the fact that Carson was coming! And now he is here! Praise God for such a wonderful blessing! He is so beautiful! I am overwhelmed with many thoughts and emotions. (Can't you tell?)
While waiting for Carson, I truly wondered if I would be a good grandmother. In my mind for all my life, I would try to figure out just what I was to do, or be or feel or how to act. What can I give him? I want to get it right. Many times in my life, for events or life changes, I have fretted over making sure things were just perfect. That I had all my ducks in a row, planned out how it would go off, how I would be, what I would say or do, what role everyone would have, etc. I could drive myself and everyone around me crazy with this. There have been times, that this perfectionist mindset quirk of mine, has kept me from doing anything. My thought was if I can't do it right, I won't even do it. (I know that this line of thinking is fear based. If I don't do, I won't screw it up. However, if I don't have faith enough to try, I miss the blessing. I am working on this.) In becoming a grandmother, I truly did not know how it would be. How would I be? What if I screwed up? I screwed up plenty as a Mom, I don't want to screw this, most important role as a grandmother up!
Never, ever being a grandmother before, I go over in my mind all the experiences I have had with grandmothers in my life. My grandmothers were polar opposites. One was very loving, funny, and obviously enjoyed having us around. I looked forward to trips to my grandparents house and knew it was a good place to be. I could feel the love when I entered their home. I still can smell the homemade rolls and fried chicken grandma use to make for us. The other grandmother was selfish, mean, and not pleasant to be around, and you knew she really didn't like you, and she wanted all the attention. I dreaded trips to her house and often time would take naps while there just to make the visit would go faster. We couldn't do much at her house because we weren't to touch or mess up anything. She was not a happy woman.
My son's grandmothers were different too. They both brought different things to the boys life in their own special way at different times in their lives. Some good and some bad. They both were great cooks and always looked forwarded to family meals together and showing their love in this way. When they were younger, one grandmother would play games with them and looked forward to getting to keep them for a day or night to smoother them with love. While the other grandmother seemed to be more stand offish and not as comfortable with them when they were smaller. As they got older however, one would attend games the boys were participating in, cheering them on and showing support, while the other grandmother did not and preferred having the boys be at her house, playing games with her. It was like they had their seasons with them. They also had their flaws, as my grandmothers did, and some not so great characteristics would be always present. They both had very strong personalities, like my grandmothers did. Their inability to forgive, to go with the flow, to be open to new ideas, to not being supportive to both of our boys parents, their attitudes about different people, their prejudices, etc. were ever present in their lives. My kids soaked all these things up like a sponge, the good and the bad. All from their grandparents actions and words. These characteristics are ones that I don't want Carson to learn, especially from me. However, what I learned from this is that it is not only what I do or say with Carson, but what I do at all times, with everyone, that he will learn from.
My sister is a great grandma to Stella, her granddaughter. She is loving and makes sure Stella knows and feels it in everything they do. Even when she is correcting Stella, you can hear and see the love. She desires to be in Stella's life and takes her on adventures to explore art, animals, her imagination, the world around her and much more. She is helping to form Stella in a very special, loving way. Helping her to become a well rounded woman.
I have friends who are awesome Grandmothers. They are there for their grandchildren filling them up with love, kisses and hugs. They fill in the blanks. They are supportive to both parents and fine tune many of life lessons that get overlooked when you are raising your children. I have always heard that with grandchildren, you as the grandparent, get a chance to teach, love and do things you wished you would have done with your own children, had you have known better. I like that. That's what I want to do. Fill in the blanks. Do what I wished I would have done with my boys. Looking back when my boys were young and being raised, it seemed like a whirlwind. There are many, many things I wished I would had taught them or done differently. Many time I have said, "I wish I would have known that or done that when the boys were young". I praise God for the opportunity to be able to do these things now with Carson and all the grandchildren to come.
My mind is racing and numb at the same time. I never have experienced such an awesome feeling as I have when holding this wonderful blessing. So many mixed emotions. Pride in my son for being such a good, loving, caring husband. Thankful for his wife in including me in such a milestone in their life and for the way she loves my son. Grateful for her family for including me as a part of their family. Excitement as the journey begins. Timid as I find the right role as grandma. Anxious to get started. Mindful of not overstepping. Prayerfully asking God for His guidance, protection, wisdom and direction. Motivated to get my priorities straight and get moving. Inspired to create many memories. Fearful I will mess up. Joyful for the opportunity to teach Carson about how awesome God is. Intrigued, as to who he will become. Curious, as to see how my other sons will be as uncles. Wondering how Curtis will be with Carson, since he has never had children. Anticipating many wonderful God Moments with him. Gleeful, as I think of the fun we will have. The list goes on and on.As I move forward into "Grandma World" I know from experiences with grandmothers in my life what characteristics I don't want to have just as much as I know what I do want to have. I know what I wished I had made more important in my sons lives that I hope to instill in Carsons life. I know I want to be sure that Carson knows that he is loved. Loved no matter what. An unfailing love like Christ has for us. A love that will be always there, that I won't leave him if he screws up. I know that I want him to know how to forgive and to have a personal relationship with God. That Carson live by Christ's commandment to "love one another" and not by "Don't get mad, get even" motto for life. I want him to know love, be love and have love. I want him to have a zest for life that is filled with adventures and discoveries. I want him to have fun, be curious, kind and thoughtful. Oh, there are so many things I want for him!
Welcome to the world Carson! You are already truly blessed with two wonderful parents. Your grandparents on your Mom's side are going to be wonderful grandparents. I pray that I too, will be able to make a positive difference in your world. There is one thing I know for sure is that God is watching over you. He has a wonderful plan for your life, and all the people in your life, are there to help form you, train you and prepare you for His will. You are one lucky guy! I am so wonderfully blessed to be called to be your Grandma! With God's help directing my steps, I can put aside my doubts, fears and questions about being a Grandma and lean on Him. and know that our adventure together will be awesome!
